Forums: Index > Watercooler > Hypoactive sexual desire disorder and asexuality

I have a bit of an issue with how hypoactive sexual desire disorder is described in the section of this website on asexuality. Regardless of whether or not asexuality will ever officially be named academically and socially a sexual orientation, I have spent a fair amount of time researching the subject and almost every academic I have seen agrees that asexuality is a valid sexual identity, so therefore, this IS an issue of the well-being of an entire sexual identity, which means most research that I have seen on asexuality that I have seen anyway which includes about 50 published studies) suggest that asexuality is naturally occurring (it actually occurs in other species as well) and for the most part does not seem to be due to any developmental issues, repressed homophobia, or chronic illness, and many have suggested that such ideas are a prejudicial means of silencing many asexual's concerns about how they are currently seen and treated in this society.

This all, however, is not my real issue, as a gray-asexual I am used to such debates and welcome them as at least they get people talking about asexuality. What I am very disappointed about, however, is that Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder is defined as being about the person's asexuality impacting the relationship. It's not so much that it was defined this way, I have had many psychologists attempt to diagnose me with this over the years for the very reason (despite the fact that I have been sexually active with all my partners as much or more than an average sexual would be), it's the fact that nothing was written about how problematic that is for our community. It portrays the idea that if we somehow inconvenience someone with our non-sexuality, we are to blame, we are obviously ill, regardless of whether or not it was our fault. If my partner is unsatisfied with our sex life, it will always be my fault, even if I am trying my hardest and they are seriously failing to meet my romantic needs. I have no rights to my own enjoyment of my own auto-sexuality or to romantic expression, because if a relationship doesn't meet the sexual's needs it is obviously not that we just weren't right for each other, no, the issue is clearly that I am mentally ill, that I am broken. I must have something wrong with me for thinking I should be able to wear what i want, flirt, and heaven forbid date without fully submitted my decisions about my sexuality and my sexual expression to someone else. As I said, I am on the asexuality spectrum and the amount of times that I have been sexually harassed, assaulted, told I deserve to be raped for wearing a tank top, told it is not wrong for a partner (or even someone I barely know) to ignore me when I say no to sex and that there is something wrong for me trying to stop them (because, in the words of, of all things, a feminist I once knew, only sexual women should have sexual rights) is just something I'm not willing to stand for anymore.

One of my best friends (who is bisexual) once told me that I should be drugged so someone could fix me, another held me down while men decided whether or not it was ok for me to go on being a virgin if I wasn't saving because I wasn't interested instead of because I was saving it for marriage, and whether or not they should do something about it. I have had people call me a cock tease while walking down the street. I also know many asexuals who have stories similar to mine and worse.

I am not trying to make this site look bad, or suggest that you should be the champions of all non-sexuals, that's not really what this site is for per-se, but I do ask you to remember that some asexual spectrum individuals, including myself, also identify as LBGT. We, as a group, exist and do face social issues, and while I do not think anyone ever attempted to imply anything that would make these issues worse, I can assure you the way your webpage is worded probably already has hurt someone. At the very least feeling shamed and blamed for their sexuality has may have made an LBGT asexual person feel a little less welcome in this community. I certainly am going away from my computer a little more afraid for my well-being. User: